Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Movie review: Lawrence of Arabia

Lawrence of Arabia is a great, blond-headed hero.

Blond dudes who are heros.
That's a rare commodity in Hollywood these days. We obviously need more of 'em.
Positive imagery for today's tow-headed youth.
No more blond villains!!! We want justice!

Sure, you'll say, there was Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

And that boy Ralphie.

That elf in Lord of the Rings doesn't count. He wasn't really a hero.

And how about Tanner Boyle in Bad News Bears?

But for every Zatoichi on the silver screen, ...

there's a Johnny who ruins it for the rest of the bunch.

One can only imagine how many villain roles Billy Zabka gets offered on a daily basis. His mailbox is full of 'em I'm willing to bet.

Anyway, the story of Lawrence of Arabia is an interesting one; albeit sorely lacking in originality.
I think I liked this story better the first time - when it was called "THE LAST SAMURAI."

It should be noted that this movie is three and a half hours long. That's no chump change.
I kind of feel like, if a movie's going to be over an hour and a half, it better deliver the goods. You know what I mean?
Do you know how many books I could read in 3 and a half hours?
Lots, my friend.

Also, I don't know how to broach this subject (except with a broad, toothy smile). But our blond hero Lawrence is taken prisoner and he gets himself anally violated.
In the butt-ocks.
By the Turks.
They don't show this though. Too early in American cinematic history.
The director of Lawrence of Anal-Rapia skillfully portrays this dramatic scene by showing a man standing in a doorway, coughing. "Symbolism," as they say.
But we all know what really happens.
After all, we're a 2006 audience and this movie was made in 1962 by a bunch of rubes. Nothing gets by us. Especially butt innuendo. Bring it on!


Blogger Gringo Gene said...

High quality butt inuendo aside, my favorite flick! And I also am a card-carrying member of BALNV...Blondes as Leads, not Villains.

Mr. Joshua (Gary Busey) in Lethal Weapon...Ivor (Dolph Lundgren) in Rocky 4...every bad wizard in the Harry Potter movies...

Dear God this conspiracy runs deep!

7:34 AM, May 20, 2006  

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