News Review: Bloody Massacre, Heartbreak

I know I'm a little late to the game here, and everybody has been anxious to hear my take on this tragic news. Well, dear readers, unless you've been living in a cave on Mars for the past 48 hours, you must have already heard the news:


On a sad, sad day for our nation, we bid farewell to one of our most beloved sons. Legendary crooner Don Ho has passed on at the tender age of 76. There was a horrible bloody massacre on the inside of his heart.


According to police reports, the culprit is reportedly an Asian man.



Police have identified the culprit as a Mr. Sam Choy, owner of Sam Choy's Diamond Head Restaurant. It is reported that even though he knew Mr. Ho had a bad heart, Choy continued to serve up delicious, mouthwatering Polynesian fusion cuisine in a cruel, calculating, and innovative manner.