Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Baby Review: "Jie Jie"

Time was, when any baseball player worth a lick had a good nickname:

"Dizzy" Dean
Mordecai "Three Fingers" Brown
James "Cool Papa" Bell
Fred "Bonehead" Merkle
"Gaylord" Perry

If this young whippersnapper were an ol' time ballplayer, he would be fairly easy to name.

Same would be true if the little fellow were an X-Men.
Or better yet, if here were born into the Choctaw Nation, or if he were a member of one of those street gangs where they give you a fun nickname based on a physical quirk.

As fate would have it though, his parents just named him "Jie Jie."
As is Chinese tradition, the responsibility of giving him a respectable name will now fall to his classmates.
Also, if you have a spare kidney to give, Jie Jie would like to have a word with you.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Movie Review: Grandma's Boy

If your friend calls you up and tells you to come over and "pound back a few road sodas" and watch "Grandma's Boy," you can go ahead and delete that friend from your Myspace account. That person does not have your best interests in mind.
Remove him or her from your Top 8 Friends at the very least.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Movie review: Lawrence of Arabia

Lawrence of Arabia is a great, blond-headed hero.

Blond dudes who are heros.
That's a rare commodity in Hollywood these days. We obviously need more of 'em.
Positive imagery for today's tow-headed youth.
No more blond villains!!! We want justice!

Sure, you'll say, there was Charlie in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

And that boy Ralphie.

That elf in Lord of the Rings doesn't count. He wasn't really a hero.

And how about Tanner Boyle in Bad News Bears?

But for every Zatoichi on the silver screen, ...

there's a Johnny who ruins it for the rest of the bunch.

One can only imagine how many villain roles Billy Zabka gets offered on a daily basis. His mailbox is full of 'em I'm willing to bet.

Anyway, the story of Lawrence of Arabia is an interesting one; albeit sorely lacking in originality.
I think I liked this story better the first time - when it was called "THE LAST SAMURAI."

It should be noted that this movie is three and a half hours long. That's no chump change.
I kind of feel like, if a movie's going to be over an hour and a half, it better deliver the goods. You know what I mean?
Do you know how many books I could read in 3 and a half hours?
Lots, my friend.

Also, I don't know how to broach this subject (except with a broad, toothy smile). But our blond hero Lawrence is taken prisoner and he gets himself anally violated.
In the butt-ocks.
By the Turks.
They don't show this though. Too early in American cinematic history.
The director of Lawrence of Anal-Rapia skillfully portrays this dramatic scene by showing a man standing in a doorway, coughing. "Symbolism," as they say.
But we all know what really happens.
After all, we're a 2006 audience and this movie was made in 1962 by a bunch of rubes. Nothing gets by us. Especially butt innuendo. Bring it on!

Friday, May 12, 2006

I can die now!!!

If you do a Google search for "Vampires must be crazy," this site comes up as the 26th result.

Google is a multi-national Fortune 500 company.

Fuck yeah boyyyyy!!!!!

So then.
There you go.

I guess I've left my mark on this world.

This is Mr. Stimperstein, my high school teacher, who said I wouldn't amount to nothing.

Well, now Mr. Simperstein. Look who was wrong!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

big ups@!

to ma homies amago mundi and their crew!&@!
they kickin it superfly blog style up in here.
funky fresh delight. YOU know what i'm sayin?
word to yo mamas
word to da knitters!
i'm out!!!


God, you suck!

That's what I told all our opponents at the pub quiz last night. Right before we kicked their sorry asses all over pub quiz night.

Then I challenged them double-or-nothing that I could throw my shoes over the roof.
We rule!
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